9th Grade Reflection: Changed for the Better

Marufa Kasham, ‘19

May 2016

When I left middle school, I thought I high school was going to be a breeze. My former school used to leave me in tears, constantly overworking us, and my teachers there always expected so much of me. I wasn’t a very average student in most subjects, but I was the best student in my English class. Somehow I left thinking, ‘If I could handle that hellhole, I’ll be fine in Bard’.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Writing and Thinking Workshop was something new, but it had made me anxious for the year to come, and tore down a little bit of my self-esteem. I remember thinking, Wow, these upperclassmen are new freaking Shakespeares, while looking down at my freewrites, suddenly unable to properly enunciate my words. How are mine supposed to sound compare to theirs?

I felt like I was taking clumsy footsteps the first month. I was still getting used how things are done at Bard. Of course, I’ve gone through the classic freshmen “Oops, this is not my classroom” experience. 

I didn’t want to believe my older cousins when they said “Freshmen friendships don’t last.” The entire first semester I was feeling the effects of withdrawal. After spending every single day with my best friends for the past seven years, I was a while to get used to not having them by my side all the time. By the beginning of second semester, I was with a completely different group of friends than I was in the first semester, but I was happy.

Then came the times halfway through the semester, when every week felt like one of those weeks. In between breakdowns, I was constantly stressed out, procrastinating my workload, not getting much sleep, ignoring my problems, and trying to scrape by but what I did know, not bothering to reach out to a teacher when I was confused. A lot of people say that pressure motivates them, but I only freeze up under pressure. Every now and then, I’d have nights of very light work, but those days made me anxious. It was like the calm before a storm, and sure enough I’d be assigned two essays within the next couple of days. 

When the first semester was over, it was like letting go of a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. After trudging through first semester, I felt like I was finally getting the hang of the “Bard life”. I felt like I had aged a lot in the span of five months, and there was suddenly some truth in the cliche ‘New year—new me!’ tweets everyone made during New Year's Day. I wasn’t the same person I was last September. I felt like I knew more about myself, than I’ve knew before.

I was prepared to take on second semester. Even when I got to that stressed out haze, mid way through the second semester, I tried to be positive. I would write down a list of good things I had, motivational quotes, do breathing exercises, listen to music, eat a snack. I did whatever I had to do to calm me down. Sometimes, you can be more mentally exhausted than physically exhausted, so it was important to take care of your mind, as well as your body. Soon, whatever essay that was stressing me out at the moment would be due, and I’d get a full eight hours of sleep, at least for the next few days. 

As the semester ends, I’m sure no one in is looking forward to finals. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard my peers freak out about their dreaded upcoming regents, but somehow, I know all of us are going to be alright. Next year, we won’t be the youngest people in school, and I know 10th Grade is going to be heaps harder, but we’ve finally got the hang of it.