Entire Soccer Team Exposed as Alien Invasion Plot

Max Neuman, ‘16

April Fools 2016

Following months of speculation brought on by the discovery of numerous smoldering craters filled with mechanical doohickeys and the charred fragments of soccer balls in BHSEC’s famed patch of astro-turf, sources identifying themselves as the leaders of the Order of Glaxorg have revealed the long-standing connection between BHSEC’s pastime and extraterrestrial life.  

“We observed the sorry state of the humans,” said team captain Zacob Starpolis, Y2,  “and their inability to amass any school spirit. In our superior wisdom, we determined to go among them, assume human form, and display the dominance of the Glaxorgian Empire!”  As he spoke, Mr. Starpolis morphed from a six-foot-tall teenage Brooklynite into a scaly green species half his original height with prominent fangs and webbed fingers.

Despite pride in the success of the team, numerous demonstrators have been seen at practices since the announcement of the team’s origins.  Coming from both BHSEC and rival schools, some allege that the presence of non-humans on the roster violates PSAL guidelines, while others suggest that celestial beings with knowledge of the universe beyond comprehension by the minds of  “simian earthlings,” as Mr. Starpolis describes the entire human race, should not play at the high school level.  

The girls soccer team at a game.

Credit: Anna Doebele, ‘16

Rumblings of controversy first began when balls found to be kicked by BHSEC players at their practices began to crash through fences, leave crop circles in the astroturf of the practice field, exit the atmosphere, transmit radio messages from orbit that interfered with cell phone and GPS signals, and break the sound barrier.

Some BHSEC students also claim that the abundance of aliens on the team makes tryouts unfair and prevents them from showcasing their own athletic talents. “I came to BHSEC because I can stop a shot better than anyone on Staten Island” said said 10th Grader Amanda Prince, who tried out for the soccer team twice without any success.  “But anyone who expects me to compete with a god damned extraterrestrial who can shrink to the size of a thimble, jump inside the ball, and pilot it at three times the speed of sound while firing laser cannons at me, a poor, defenseless, human goalkeeper has a very poor understanding of the game.”

Despite controversy, Mr. Glaxorg sticks to his claims that the rest of the season will be fruitful for his team or, as he refers to it in recently declassified and decoded messages obtained by the Bardvark, his “elite invasion squad.”  Looking forward, he hopes that his Glaxorgian corps of athletes will be able to thrive at the citywide level, especially in finally defeating a Beacon High School team believed to be composed of sewer mutants fished from the Hudson River.