Insufficient Fourth Floor Lighting Linked to New Disease, “Hallway Affective Disorder”
Jojo Rinehart-Jones, ‘16
April Fools 2016
A damning new study released by Bard College’s department of Biomedical Engineering reveals a link between prolonged exposure to the lighting on BHSEC’s fourth floor and a new mood disorder, dubbed “Hallway Affective Disorder” by the paper.
BHSEC Manhattan students have long complained about the fluorescent lighting on the school’s fourth floor, considered by most to be insufficient. In the words of one tenth grade student, who wished to remain anonymous, “I spend a lot of time outside the library eating lunch, and it took a while for my eyes to adjust to the dim light. It was really annoying at first, but now that I’m used to it, I can read in pretty much any dark place.” One anonymous Year 2 student referred to the hallway as “dank, but not in a good way.” The fourth floor is home to BHSEC’s library, computer lab, college transfer office, and many classrooms, and thus is a popular choice for Year 2 students looking to relax during one of their eight daily free periods.
Students in the fourth floor hallway.
Credit: Liana Van Nostrand ‘16
Both students quoted above are named in the study as victims of the newly-discovered mood disorder. The primary symptoms of this disease, which is currently referred to as “Hallway Affective Disorder,” are fatigue, loss of appetite, irritability, excessive noise making, loss of interest in classes one once found interesting, an inexplicable urge to read The Fountainhead unironically, inability to flush toilets in the girl’s bathroom correctly, and vision problems. Over fifty BHSEC students are confirmed to have this disorder, and at least forty others exhibit two or more symptoms. All those diagnosed reported spending at least four hours per week on the fourth floor, and many Year 2 students reported spending ten or more hours. Students have also reported loss of the ability to keep track of time after occupying the fourth floor hallway for prolonged periods, but BHSEC officials have dismissed these claims on the grounds that time is an illusion.
The lead scientist on the study, Dr. Felix Buttonweezer of Bard College, explained that the symptoms are actually caused by a lack of sufficient light exposure, and are similar to the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is caused by a sunlight-related Vitamin D deficiency. “In this case,” says Dr. Buttonweezer, “the student body’s proclivity to loiter in the fourth floor hallway, which has a very peculiar type of dim light that can only be described as ‘hell-like,’ is affecting the nutrient levels in their bodies, and thus their moods.” It is not yet clear exactly how the lights on the fourth floor differ in this from the lights on BHSEC’s other floors, but subsequent studies are being outlined in the wake of the first. The current theory offered by the primary study is that the fourth floor was once a burial ground for the hopes and dreams of BHSEC’s first few graduating classes, the echoes of which are now haunting the aspirations of its current student body by decreasing their essential vitamin levels and sabotaging their grades.
BHSEC authorities are baffled as to how the hallway became so dark. “I mean, there are lights every, like, three feet of ceiling,” said Ms. Powell, the Student Activities Coordinator. “How can it be so light and so dark at the same time? I don’t get it.” Students are echoing the faculty’s concerns, claiming that the disorder is affecting their ability to learn. “I always wondered why I felt sad and anxious after sitting outside the library during lunch,” said a Year 1 student, “but now I realize it’s just the disease. That must be why I’m failing first period calculus.” Year 2 students are particularly fed up; as one put it, “We’re second semester Year 2s. What are we supposed to do if we can’t sit in the fourth floor hallway? Go to class?”