Presenting DODGEBALL— A Letter to Bard Professors
Gabriella Ronquillo ’26
Dear Bard Professors,
We are pleased to inform you that DOGE budget cuts have saved millions of taxpayer dollars from wasteful, corrupt programs. The over 1 billion dollars saved by DOGE have been rather exciting, yet it is disturbing to see institutions taking advantage of government support to pay people that do not contribute to the advancement of this country. It is with great pleasure that we accept you into DOGE’s pilot program that provides you with the new AI assistant: DODGEBALL (Department of Domestical-Interior Government Efficiencies By All Leisurely Laborers).
To reach the goal of cutting 1 trillion dollars from government spending, DODGEBALL gives you a command and transgressions are met with hits, everywhere except the head. If any complications may arise from DODGEBALL’s use of force, you cannot cross the line of trying to complain to DOGE. Here is a guide to this new program, and some things to look out for:
Are you eligible? Musk, or the Trump administration, has established that teachers and Department of Education workers, particularly those for gender and sexuality studies, are eligible. Every liberty that school laborers take to convince children they have free will is one step backwards in creating future leaders. As Musk noted during the launch event of DODGEBALL, it has become so hard to hire people who will just shut up and do the work. While DOGE covers the systemic part of the battle by cutting jobs and pay, school laborers must be constantly monitored.
How will you benefit from DODGEBALL? DODGEBALL’s sophisticated software is encased in a shape that can only be described as the red, musty ball that is thrown during a game of middle school dodgeball. The AI is programmed to throw itself at its owner when they say key words such as “ideology,” “gender identity,” and “private free write.” After using DODGEBALL, you will find yourself talking less about division and “systemic issues” and more about what connects us beyond our identities. DODGEBALL cures racism, sexism, and political polarization in classrooms. But DODGEBALL doesn’t like to give itself that much credit.
What should you avoid doing with DODGEBALL? DODGEBALL deserves as much respect as its DOGE counterpart. Do not avoid DODGEBALL. Do not discriminate against DODGEBALL. The Office of Dodgy Rights has been established if it feels the need to complain about how they have been treated. For the education system to continue running efficiently, it is imperative that the civil rights of DODGEBALL come first.
DODGEBALL is making its entrance to all Bard classrooms next Fall. For the sake of our country, I hope you get hit by the ball.
Signed,
The Trump Administration