Investigation Reveals Ultimate Frisbee Team Is A Cult

Sierra Block Gorman, ‘16

April Fools 2016

During the research stage of a routine club feature article for the Bardvark, this reporter found out a shocking truth—the Ultimate Frisbee Team is, in fact, a cult. 

I’m sure that everyone is aware that BHSEC Manhattan has a long history of cults and cult-like behavior. One notable example is The Cult of Ben Mikesh, a cult based on the worship of physics professor Benjamin Mikesh that started during his time working for Guild Wars, the popular multiplayer online roleplaying game. Shortly after the game was released, Professor Mikesh used his massively overpowered character to kill dozens if not hundreds of other players’ characters in the shape of an enormous GW, for Guild Wars. He has been worshipped ever since by avid players of the game, and members of the BHSEC student body periodically discover and join this cult. 

However, The Ultimate Frisbee Cult is one of a far more insidious nature. This reporter witnessed some sort of strange and no doubt malignant ritual involving strange chants, disc-shaped idols, and, to my absolute horror, physical exertion! Obviously there was something sinister afoot, but what was the goal of this cult? Summoning some Lovecraftian beast from the Beyond? Sacrificing innocent freshman to some demonic deity? Winning their next game? Only time—or perhaps one of the team’s members - could tell. I decided to go straight to the source.

When asked what he had to say about the team’s alleged cult activities, Nathan Shapiro, Y2, said, “I’d say...uh...we are not a...um...a cult,” in a shifty manner, perhaps indicating his unwillingness to answer honestly. Shapiro called the Ultimate Frisbee Team “a group of dedicated and disciplined athletes and friends who enjoy Ultimate [Frisbee] and being together.” A likely story—but the truth? I think not.

Further research led me to a new source—one who prefers to remain anonymous, but who claims to be a former member of this cult. “It wasn’t always like this. When I first joined, it was pretty normal, but then—things started to get weird.” He went on to describe a complex secret code known only to the Ultimate Cult, including hidden meaning to many seemingly normal phrases. “Chillax, bro,” really means “Reveal no secrets to the nonbelievers.” “Alright, guys, let’s play some Ultimate!” is actually “The secret ritual is tonight. Wear your robes and athletic shoes.” “Duuuuuuude,” is in reality a phrase used to identify other members of the cult without having to break out their complicated secret handshake. 

Will this discovery finally lead people to say, “Hey, isn’t it sort of weird how many cults and secret societies there are at a school this small?” Or will the issue once again be covered up by the Shadow Student Government? One thing is sure: this reporter will not be silenced! The truth is out there, people!