Editorial Board Endorses Trump for Republican Nomination
The Editorial Board
April Fools 2016
In just a few weeks, the state of New York will select its preferred presidential candidates for the nomination of both the Democratic and Republican parties. If the Bardvark had a vote on April 19 in the Republican contest, it would go to Donald J. Trump. He is the best candidate for BHSEC, and one who shares our values and experiences. Every attack levied against Mr. Trump only reveals another layer of his appeal like an onion: it is multifaceted, sensually overpowering when consumed, and likely to make anyone around weep.
The vacillations of Mr. Trump on abortion, on health care coverage, and, in an interview with Bardvark affiliate The New York Times, immigration, directly parallel the experiences of many BHSEC students. Who, in their time here, has not changed a major policy stance or a hairstyle, occasionally doing so completely overnight and as moodily as one can imagine? The desire to give himself in to uncertainty and allow the gusts of wind from thousands of angry vocal chords across this nation is a postmodern resignation to manifestations of the collective will.
The foreign policies of Donald Trump are exemplary for the future of BHSEC. Both on the southern border of the United States and the southern corner of the cafeteria, there is a decided need for walls to be built or reinforced. Just as Mr. Trump perceives an outstanding problem with the unwanted entry of Central Americans into the United States, the Bardvark notes the intrusion and, to use a term that may not be “politically correct,” infestation right here in our BHSEC community: hornets and other critters in bathrooms. Who’s to say that jobs here in BHSEC or even our own inalienable territory are at risk of being lost?
Donald J. Trump.
Credit: cnn.com
After the nominations, the question will turn to November. Republicans here at BHSEC deserve a candidate capable of winning in November. The bluster and overconfidence of Mr. Trump are perhaps his best assets in an impending matchup against Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Secretary Clinton is, on paper, a far more qualified and appealing candidate than Mr. Trump. Like DJ Khaled tearing a door from its hinges, Mr. Trump would rend the paper in twain, scattering any likelihood of a by-the-book campaign to the winds. Secretary Clinton has been running for this office for nearly seventy years, and would have handily defeated any tailor-made conservative our party threw at her. Trump’s advantage is that he avoids playing a garbage hand at the political poker table by punching the table several times and calling it a “fat bimbo.”
Donald Trump has no connection to reality, and so our endorsement is entirely a postmodern one. In nominating Mr. Trump, we question the very essence of elections, striking a blow against a millennia-old convention. What could be more in the BHSEC spirit than breaking apart everything we know without regard for the consequences just to see what falls out?