Groundbreaking New Study Finds Students Who Drank Lead Water In Room 207 Are Experiencing Symptoms Similar to Freund When His Students Don’t Participate

August Hoyt ’28

A groundbreaking new study conducted by BHSEC students during the last five minutes of their free period has concluded that the students who drank the lead-contaminated water in Room 207 are beginning to share characteristics with Dr. Freund after his students refuse to participate. Following the lead outbreak in Rooms 207 and 207A, signs were placed around the sinks to prevent anyone drinking from them. However, a number of students managed to breach these seemingly impenetrable defences, shocking much of the BHSEC faculty. Now, what seemed to be a foolproof way to prevent students from drinking the lead infused water has seen disastrous consequences—the lead has been more destructive than ever previously imagined. The Barfvark spoke to the lead researcher on the case, who decided to study the effects of the lead contamination. They told us this:

“We had our test subjects drink a small amount of the water from Room 207, and waited for the results. We were only able to wait for a few minutes, as we were conducting the study during lunch on the day we needed to complete it. Even so, the effects were immediate. We saw a number of strange effects, including but not limited to people randomly lying belly-down on tables, saying they didn’t care about or had no faith in us, and making up insane assignments, claiming they were worth 100% of all our history grades for life! The comparisons were obvious—that is exactly what Dr. Freund does when he sees a lack of participation in his class.”

As of now, experts are unsure of the reasons behind these strange similarities. Some are suggesting that Dr. Freund’s impeccable sleep schedule (approximately 1:00 AM to 1:30 AM every day) creates similar neurological results to ingesting lead. Others have proposed that Dr. Freund had some exploratory questions about the water and decided to drink it. Either way, the results of this lead outbreak are astounding, and the Barfvark will continue to provide updates on this strange behavior.