Funville-Palooza!

Ben Samuels, 23’ 

People have said they’re numb, or horrified, or stressed. Clubs are cancelled due to stress, and classes are cancelled due to stress. I don’t know what on earth they’re talking about. I’ve been having the time of my life.

    What chocolate does for some people, this election does for me. Some people say they wish there weren’t elections -- my only complaint is that there aren’t more!

    What some get out of video games, I get out of this joyous, boundlessly happy election. 

Nevada, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, like little theaters of battle for toy soldiers! It’s delightful. Can Biden “sweep through the midwest?” Can Trump retain Republican “strongholds?” Come on. These questions are awesome.

    I toggle back and forth between tabs, trying to learn more. Because there’s so much to learn! There are Senate races, House races, ballot measures… but I’m preaching to the choir here. You guys know the Google graphic. This is all democracy doing its best work.

    The suspense! It’s unbeatable. You don’t get this from game shows. And if it weren’t enough, you can turn to any channel for mounds of hype. Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson and Wolf Blitzer all say it’s the most important election in history. I mean -- wow! The most important election in history, and we’re watching it live. There’s too much hype. There’s a hype surplus! What a world!

    And this year, it is all spaced out. Let that sink in. Where before there was one night, there are now many. Where there was one all-nighter, they now stretch on ad infinitum. Before there was but one puny little rager of a night, and certainly not a full day -- days! -- of this goodness. 

    I blame capitalism. We’ve become so desensitized that we don’t appreciate what we have.    

    And now they’re saying Trump may not accept the results? Mamma Mia, if that doesn’t blow the game wide open! Incredible! I didn’t know you could do that -- and maybe you can’t. Who knows? Better: Who cares?

    I’m sorry if this offends anyone. As we all know, in this election as the last one, democracy hangs in the balance. And you, I’m sure, are very passionate about your candidate. One does wonder whether democracy won’t collapse so fast that you can’t just wait for the final results to be broadcast -- but you’re welcome to mope. If my favorite team was fighting for their lives in Game 7 of the World Series, I know I’d be thrilled. And secretly, I think you are too. 

Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Try to hit the highest notes in your aria of misery, dab a cold compress to your trembling forehead, and pretend like you and I aren’t one and the same.

    “Woe! Woe!”

    Fine, fine. But I do hope you’ll take a break at some point and check the results. In fact, I know you will.