Investigation Reveals Actual Bardvark in Library “Reading Room”
Marufa Kasham ‘19
April Fools 2016
“What is Ms. Walk hiding in the secret room in the library?” Admit it, we’ve all asked ourselves that question at least a couple times during our time at BHSEC. Why is it locked? Why do the students have to ask a hesitant Ms. Walk to give them the key to the room?
What’s really going in there?
It was all too obvious. Who had even come up with the popular word that we named our newspaper after? Who had come up with our unofficial mascot’s name?
The secret room is where Ms. Walk keeps the Bardvark. No, not the one in the mascot costume. An actual, real, Bardvark. Not an aardvark, a Bardvark.
“We have to ask her for the key in a special pattern of winks,” revealed a Y1 who admitted to being one of the primary feeders of the Bardvark. “You’re all living a lie if you think Principal Lerner is in charge of our school. The teachers have no authority. They’re all beholden to the Bardvark. Even we’re servants, whether we know it or not.”
It’s time for you all to know who actually creates the lessons. Why are all Bard students so smart? Why are they all so attractive? Was it really a coincidence that a group of sophisticated people were brought together in one place to learn?
It’s all the work of the Bardvark. He knows all. He sees all.
A cartoon depiction of the mystical Bardvark.
“He glows in this yellow hue when he’s meditating,” tells another feeder, a Y2. “It was he who demanded that that our school teaches yoga. When you enter the room, you immediately feel his presence, his power radiating off his body. He only wears red bowties in order to show school spirit. Ms. Walk gets him a different shade of red every year. Last year she got him a crimson red bowtie. This year, she got him a cherry red one.”
The details of where the all-powerful Bardvark came from are easily findable, but we do know the following. If you go the Bard College website, you can easily find that the fine institution was named after John Bard. This is a lie. The Bardvark was not named after the school, but rather the school was named after it—indirectly, of course. John Bard, previously John Winchester, was also a servant of the great Bardvark, and had changed his last name in honor of his master.
Not even Ms. Walk knows where it truly comes from, but another confidential insider informed us of the teacher’s private theory: “The Bardvark seeps power into every student that graduates Bard. In unity, the power is said to be greater than we imagine, but only the Bardvark can unlock it for us. It was created by a higher order of power—and it demands that we follow it’s rules until it decides to relinquish the use of the power it has given us. The Bardvark is part of the Illuminati.”
The insider source explained that if you inspect the Bardvark closely, you’ll see the space between the Bardvark’s tiny arm and the book it holds. This space is vaguely the shape of a triangle. Coincidence? I think not. Illuminati confirmed.
It’s time we know the truth about the real authorities at our school. Hopefully, the entire Bardvark editorial staff won’t mysteriously disappear after this article is published. Another source tells us our animal leader has a soft spot for this newspaper because of their shared name. Will his appreciation of our name extend far enough so we may be forgiven? Only time will tell. Now, it’s the Bardvark’s choice whether or whether not it will choose to reveal itself following this dangerous exposé.