Roxanna Delgado, ‘20

April 2020

I’m bored. And it’s not the “I have nothing to do” bored but the “There is nothing in my life that is satisfying me” bored. You feel stuck. If that’s not enough, when you step outside everyone is wearing masks and gloves but they’re still hanging out in groups. As I stood there in the line for Walgreens, a man came strolling by with his umbrella and was singing some dope song but he kept stomping in the puddles with his Air Force 1s. He’s been through something. I’m looking for simple Hershey’s chocolate so I can make smores at home with my little sister who has been asking for smores since school has closed. It took three stores in order for me to find it. Whatever, at least I won’t disappoint her. 

Tonight will be simple. I’ll bake a dessert or two and watch my family enjoy it. Then I will feel proud of my baking but realize that the measurements I made were not perfect and I tell myself I’ll try to do the same recipe tomorrow. After that, I’ll yell at my younger siblings to go to bed because they’re annoying. Except they’ll protest and keep crying because they want my mom to be with them in their dark room that has no night light. My mom, Raquel, and I were only trying to watch Attack On Titan in peace, but it seems that my mom has no backbone because she always gives in to the kids. In every situation, she gives in to the kids. 

Yeah, I feel stuck. I’ll keep thinking about how my friends hate me but to get rid of that insecurity I’ll watch some porn and wonder how the hell a person can bend that way. But then again, nothing can stop me feeling paranoid about the friendships that I hold in my fist. School was a good distraction, I kept walking up and down the halls looking for something to occupy my mind with. But with ZOOM I become God and create characters through dress up games who lack the agency to exist. 

Alas, not even by writing this down have I found the release I’ve been craving. Day whatever of lockdown and I’ve convinced myself that my friends hate me and how in my four years at Bard there was no one I could actually talk to. I only sit here on this ugly ass couch, miserably and utterly alone.