Jayna Rohslau, ‘22

December 2019

Before you go and say this is a terrible idea, hear me out.  Stop and sit by my fire, weary traveller, and let me convince you of the merits of my argument.  While coal may be a fossil fuel and therefore bad for the environment, it does have its uses: for one, as an unlikely gift.

We live in a society contaminated by fake news and people.  Bob your head once if you have ever spent hours on end poring through the various facets of the internet.  Bob your head twice if while on one of these internet pilgrimages, you have stopped by someone’s page. You have marveled at the friendships apparent on social media apps like Instagram, and the comments left on various posts.  If you click on one, you might see a picture of a girl. Underneath the picture of the girl will be several comments professing their eternal love and devotion for said girl, and how pretty she is, and how we should totally hang out soon.  But will they actually hang out soon? Debatable, given how they haven’t been in contact in months.

This is not intended as a critique of social media, but of people who say one thing and mean another.  They may tell you they’re free one day, and mysteriously have pancreatic cancer the next. They may cease answering your texts except for when they miss the homework(and even then they put no effort into the text, a word that isn’t even capitalized: homework?).  They may pretend you’re their favorite person in the world when in reality, they snicker behind your back about the time you tripped up the stairs to the subway platform, which for the record, was only one time.  

Are you a disheartened young man or woman?  Do you wonder whether your friends are true blue or only fair weather?  Well look no further. Coal presents an all-inclusive answer to the problem of doubt!  Simply go online to Amazon.com today and order 16 lbs for the low price of 24.95. Once you have acquired it, it is recommended that you put it in wrapping paper before sending it off(I have some nice shiny paper with reindeer, if you are looking for inspiration).

But why coal?  I’m glad you asked.  Historically, there has been a stigma against giving coal as a gift at Christmas time.  According to parents everywhere, good children get toys from Santa. Naughty children get coal, those odious, climate-warming black rocks that scare Santa-fearing children everywhere(which is to say, none).  Still, it does make for a pretty lousy gift. Imagine your younger brother gets a pat on the back and a Playstation, and you get a lumpy rock. Now that’s scary.

Now imagine that you give this lumpy rock to your friend, or the person you’re not really sure is your friend.  They smile at you, perhaps expecting an oddly formed chapstick or candy bar. They open it up… to reveal a piece of coal.  They look up and gives you an odd look, as if you are not merely uncovering the layers of deceit behind the mask they wear.  “Um… thanks,” they might purse their lips and say. It doesn’t happen fast, but over time they distance themselves, thereby having revealed themselves as a fake friend.  True friends will appreciate your gift, and gush its praises.

Although who am I kidding?  If they gush its praises, they’re probably even more of a fake friend.  Or a pushover(don’t tell this to their face). But this is still information that can be gained by giving your friend coal!  There are virtually no downsides. And at least you’re not regifting this year.