Max Shatan ‘18

April Fools 2016

OWL, the newest member of BHSEC’s science department, is a qualified individual with an interesting backstory. OWL was developed by Peter Sandford, a psychopathic six-year old with a mildly deformed left hand. One summer, Sandford found himself with nothing much to do. He couldn’t see his friends, as they were suffering from minor burns he inflicted upon them the week before with a hairdryer, and he couldn’t leave the house, because he was self-conscious of his slightly bent ring finger. Bored, Sandford set out to create OWL, equipped only with a pamphlet on website design and an encyclopedic knowledge of the PBS show Cyberchase. He completed this in two and a half grueling hours, and OWL was born.

Growing up, OWL had a happy childhood. Its favorite activities were to quiz its friends on molar mass, then ignore them when they answered with an incorrect number of significant digits. Soon, OWL was off to college at Arizona State, where he graduated top of his class, despite his login session timing out halfway through his junior year. At graduate school, OWL met the old Healthcare.gov website, and they got married. They shared quite a few interests, such as making people wait for things, and destroying good concepts with poor execution. At this point, OWL was spending very little time with its creator. In 2014, Peter Sandford, now eleven, fueled by regret, jealousy, and perverse hand-envy, proceeded to pour a can of soda over OWL’s main server. Although OWL survived the incident, the attack resulted in a confusing interface, convoluted chemistry problems, and general mediocrity.

At BHSEC, OWL has already earned the adoration of its colleagues. In an interview, Dr. Chaterpaul said “OWL has singlehandedly saved the chemistry program at BHSEC. We can only attribute the aptitude of this year’s class to its relentless onslaught of soporifically repetitive tasks. Either that, or everyone is cheating on everything all the time.” OWL is also gaining the notice of faculty outside the realm of STEM. Mr. Garcés Kiley said “I admire OWL’s ability to constantly keep students troubling what is right and what is wrong, even when their math is right and they’ve checked all their steps and their answer is incorrect because of an accidental space. It’s the Socratic method in action.” With years of experience behind it, OWL is bound to make a profound impact at BHSEC. 

OWL was reached for comment on this article, but declined, as flash was not properly installed.