Lily Gordon, 19

April Fools 2016

Land of the treacherous— After recent meetings with the DOE and PTA, Dr. Lerner made a definitive plan of action to relocate the BHSEC Manhattan facility to a more easily accessible place for the 2016-2017 academic year: the ninth circle of Hell.

It’s no secret that the early morning commute to BHSEC is one of its worst qualities. With the nearest train station 84,325,793,485,729,348,759,231,023,984,710,398,457,346,598,723,479,238,758,987,294,723,987,498,247,503,985,710,293,847,012,398,470,123,987,401,298,374,012,938,759,867,293,837,169,287,560,012,347,123,412,343,729,817,598,475,843,958,703,294,857,978,243,546,534,544,238,932,489,279,345,053,402,373,278,9w8,943,948,973,798,547,929,451,238,098,763,453,445,645,667,676,778,967,878,978,967,867,899,874,567,876,545,678,654,345,786,545,689,654,785,456,787,655,678,765,678,765,678,765,678,876,567,876,567,876,776,567,876,567,876,567,876,567,765,678,765,676,778,888,990,976,554,567,899,892,034,802,394,802,394,802,394.2 miles away, bus drivers that give the stink eye, and potholes the size of Lake Ontario, not only is moving to Hell more convenient, but it’s also classy.

“It’s a bit colder than before,” says Kevin Lee ‘17, who visited the new location, “because of how Hell is all frozen over down there...but the heating in the old building was messed up anyway, so honestly I have no complaints about the move.”

When asked if students felt uncomfortable about relocating to where the treacherous are sent to eternal damnation, Dr. Rosenbaum said, “Treachery? Treachery? Treachery was having to re-park my car every half an hour.”

Some teachers were worried that moving to a new location where souls are tortured for eternity would disrupt the community’s morale, but Livia Miller ‘18 stated, “Bard has never really been about ‘school spirit’ anyway, so we kind of relate to the idea of running behind empty banners.”

“I mean, I’m from Gerritsen,” explains SU assembly member Madison Fernandez ‘17, a long distance commuter from an indistinguishable little neighborhood in Brooklyn, “and honestly Virgil is a much more reliable guide than the MTA.”

One notable downside is that the school’s security guards have been made redundant by the giant demons that guard the gates of Hell. However, the security guards have collectively agreed that it would be less of a hassle trying to get to BHSEC anyway.