Ethan Rosenblum, ‘18
In a shocking press conference held this past Thursday, the Public Schools Athletic League (PSAL) announced plans for reforms intended to raise the organization to the bare minimum of competency by 2020. When asked why they had suddenly announced these reforms, the president of the PSAL, who wished to remain anonymous, replied, “Well, actually, we made this decision a couple years ago, we just haven’t been able to do anything about it since we couldn’t figure out how to use our website to communicate about the changes, so we had to train pigeons to carry our messages for us, which proved to be too difficult, so we had to tape wings onto rats and throw them out the window until we finally found a few that were able to figure out how to fly before they hit the ground, and we had them carry our messages for us. It’s natural selection, really.” At press time, the president was hesitant to respond to questions on the ethical implications of such practices. He did, however, reassure the public that the reforms include a complete upgrade of their website.
The reforms also include improvements in quality for fields and referees and the removal of table tennis and double Dutch as PSAL sports, which for some inexplicable reason they currently are. “I can promise to all of you that referees will be aware of which sport they are watching by the Spring 2018 season, and we hope that they will know the rules of the sport by Fall 2019, 2020 at the latest,” says the president. This will be accomplished primarily through the use of sports movies as instructional videos, namely the box set of the Air Bud franchise and all related films, Like Mike 2: Streetball, and Braveheart. The president also promised that the PSAL would no longer choose locations with a greater percentage of mud than grass to hold games, vowing that each venue would have, at a minimum, a fifty-fifty split. This rule would also affect the East River Park track, of which an ever-increasing portion is exposed concrete. When asked if the organization had any plans for new locations, as the new regulations disqualified the majority of the current venues, the president stared blankly ahead with his mouth agape for about ten seconds before he pretended he was receiving an important phone call from Steve Jobs, and did not drop the facade until the press moved on to their next question.
Responses to the announcement from student athletes and other people affected by the reforms have been mixed, generally praising the intentions but acknowledging the futility of the gesture. “I think it’s good to see them trying to improve, but it’s just so sad knowing that they’ll never be able to change,” says Henry Alderson (Y1). “I agree,” says Kale Houghton (Y1), “their hearts are in the right place, but we all know they’re incapable of organizing anything, let alone a full reformation of themselves.” Other students expressed more optimistic views on the announcement, such as Miles Garcia (Y1), who said, “I think that they will be able to reach some of their goals, but I don’t really care because I’ll be in college by then.” When asked for comment, PSAL parent Rhys Rosenblum said only, “Ethan, clean your room,” which assuredly is a metaphorical way of saying that the PSAL must restructure itself before it can make outward reforms. Undeterred by a less than stellar reception, the president declared that the reforms would go on as planned, albeit with a slight delay from 2020 to 2023, and the expectation for a few more extensions. When reached out to star soccer player, track team captain, and all-around great guy Ethan Rosenblum (Y1) for comment on the latest development, he stated, “I don’t believe that we will see significant improvement with the PSAL organization until 2030 at the earliest, and even then, it doesn’t really matter. MLK will still win every year and we’ll still lose to Beacon.”