The Truth Behind the F Train Delays

delancey-station
Delancey train station. Photo credit: Bowery Boogie.

Oresta Hewryk, ‘18

It started with the occasional train delays and late students. Even teachers found themselves caught up. At first this issue was blamed on the crumbling New York City subway system, but as the delays became more frequent, suspicions started to arise.

Half of the students in a first period math class recently missed a quiz because of F train delays from Brooklyn. Some teachers have complained of students missing their entire classes. One was overheard in the hallway saying, “I always tell my students to allow for extra travel time, but recently even students who used to arrived half an hour early are running late now.”

But what was causing these delays? The Bardvark sent a team of students undercover to the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) to investigate the concern and what they found was nothing short of astonishing. The Loch Ness Monster had taken up residence in the East River, and used the F train tunnel as a permanent residence. “What are we to do?” asked one MTA employee when confronted. “The amount that she pays per month is enough to keep the subway running for a year!” Other workers affectionately referred to the monster as ‘Nessie,’ and recalled with smiles on their faces how she often hosts League of Legends tournaments. The operating protocol is that if Nessie desires to return to her residence, she must give ten minutes notice, to allow any trains in the tunnel to exit. Once the all-clear is given, she enters from the river through an elaborate complex of tunnels, and is then allowed to stay underground for up to four hours at a time. This arrangement leaves many trains trapped in stations indefinitely, with the delays justified as ‘incidents,’ ‘investigations,’ or ‘signal malfunctions.’

As for how long Nessie will remain in the tunnel, no one is quite sure. “As long as she is able to pay the rent, we’ll let her stay,” stated one MTA supervisor. So for now, plan for extra travel time.

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