Ifeoluwa Aiyelabowo, ’15
The most exciting lecture of the year is just around the corner. Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush is expected to give a Dean’s Hour lecture in late April about Franz Kafka and how his work relates to American politics. Mr. Bush was invited to speak by BHSEC’s largest student-run organization, the Young Republicans Club, despite aggressive protests by the Young Democrats Club, spearheaded by their Dictator and Supreme Leader Everett Pelzman.
Of course, just like every other Republican candidate, Mr. Bush will be accompanied by a team of body guards. Many students and teachers have expressed concerns about Mr. Bush’s controversial upcoming lecture. In a recent email, the BHSEC administration noted that Mr. Bush could easily get face-pied, just as Ann Coulter almost was during her 2004 speech at the University of Arizona.
Mr. Bush will give his lecture in an attempt to connect more with younger people even though the vast majority of us cannot vote. Mr. Bush hopes to compare the life of Joseph K. in Kafka’s The Trial to the life of a typical American living under the reign of a “Democratic dictator.” Mr. Bush will then enlighten us about how conservative policies are important to the American youth.
The most important point that Mr. Bush will make concerns education. He understands that education is necessary for our great capitalist system, but unfortunately, the “Democratic donkeys” are trying to socialize it and make it free. “Free education?” Mr. Bush wrote in an email, “Free education my Nicki Minaj ass. Nothing is free, and even the donkeys know that. Everything costs money, and that money is coming out of the biweekly paychecks of so many hard-working Americans.” Mr. Bush continued to say that money for public education should also not drain the pockets of the one percent because even if you took all of the money of the one percent, “you would only be able to satisfy one third of one year’s national budget.” Unfortunately, this is all we know after months of hacking his private emails.
One Y1 expressed hope that, through the Q&A session with students, Mr. Bush will realize that education is key to our capitalist system, and therefore we need to make education as affordable as possible. Nevertheless, we all know that any education policy of his would be ten times better than that of the corrupt Hillary Clinton.
The open-minded Young Republicans Club actually asked Mrs. Clinton to come to BHSEC, but she was too picky. Not only did she ask for a $300,000 speaking fee, but she also sent along a list of what she wanted, first reported by the Washington Post. Her demands included lemon wedges, room temperature water, a carafe of hot water, coffee cup and saucer, a computer, mouse, printer and scanner, spread of hummus, chairs with two long, rectangular pillows, a teleprompter and two dozen downstage scrolling monitors, a special podium, coffee, tea, sparkling and still water….” The Young Republicans Club emailed Her Majesty to see if she also wanted a piece of moon rock on a diamond-plated gold platter, but Mrs. Clinton did not respond. Still, Jeb Bush is coming to town, so keep your eyes and ears open for updates.