Riley Pearsall, ’15
Washington D.C.—Based on recent reports of police violence, pervasive discrimination, and brutal torture, America seems broken, and President Obama is desperately hoping that the warranty hasn’t expired so that he can return it before Christmas.
“Sure, I knew this America was secondhand,” said Obama, the owner of the malfunctioning country. “It had a ton of previous owners—the last one left it in pretty bad shape—but when I got it, I thought it would be a fixer-upper. Repairing it turned out to be a lot harder than I imagined, though.”
“Seriously, just look at the damn thing,” continued Obama. “Race and class tensions are patched over with duct tape; the economy only runs thanks to liberal application of WD40, which I’m nearly out of; and I’m not even going to try to get the Senate working again. I’m afraid that America will just fall apart if even I touch it. I’ve been looking at the owner’s manual, but some of the early parts are so outdated, and the latest update was added over twenty years ago.”
Obama sighed and started browsing through some of America’s Amazon reviews. “★★: Poor customer service. Searched by the police every time I go outside, but they took an hour to show up when I called them.” “★: Can’t feed my family with minimum wage job, get called lazy for using food stamps. Has anyone been able to fix this?” “★★★★★: As a white, rich, straight, college-educated man, I am completely satisfied with this product!!! Never experienced any of the problems other people are talking about: maybe their [sic] just using it wrong???”
“The thing is, I was so excited when I first got this country,” said Obama. “Yes, it’s beat up, but there’s nothing more beautiful than a smoothly running America. I thought fixing it was going to be a group effort, that Congress and I would tinker and mess around until it was working again. Now we just fight all the time: nobody ever wants to do anything, but they all yell at me whenever I try to make some progress on my own.”
“I admit,” added Obama, “there were some good times. Hey, remember when we killed Bin Laden? That sure was fun. And Obamacare didn’t turn out so badly after all, right? It turned my hair gray, but I think it helped patch America up, if only a little. But it’s just not worth it anymore. I put up an ad on Craigslist, asking if anyone wants a ‘slightly used America.’ Hillary has indicated that she might be interested, but she’s been waffling for a while, so I might try to trade it in.”
After some research, Obama discovered that he was not eligible for a full refund, but he could receive $10,000,000,000,000 in Amazon store credit. “I think that’s a fair deal,” said Obama. “Sasha and Malia asked for a Wii U and Super Smash Bros. for Christmas, so I can get them that and several thousand ponies. And maybe now that I’m done being the POTUS I can take up a less stressful hobby, like lion taming, or amateur firefighting.”