And Now, Russia…

A sampling of recent political happenings in Russia and the hilarity that goes along with them.

Lev Bernstein, ‘18

Ukrainian astronomers name a star ‘Putin is a D***head”

After the recent incursions into Ukrainian territory that were clearly not Russian (even though Russian tanks were found in Ukraine), Ukrainian astronomers got irritated and, after discovering a star, decided to name it “Лутiн хуйло (Putin is a D***head)!” The star, formerly known as TYX 3541-945-1, is located between the constellations Cygnus and Lyra. An Irish publication reported, “On a clear night, you can see ‘Putin Is A D***head.’” Actually, we don’t need a clear night to see that; it’s really quite obvious.

Russian spy plane found over Baltic Sea; Russian submarine found in Swedish waters

Aiming to improve its relations with the EU and NATO, Russia decided the best course of action would be to fly a plane into Estonian airspace and pilot a submarine into Swedish waters. Maybe they felt as if annexing Crimea wasn’t enough; why not take the whole Baltic Sea while they are at it? In all seriousness, Russia’s relations with the EU have been plummeting as a result of its blatant disregard for the sovereignty of Ukraine. With all that Russia has done to piss off Ukraine, it is no surprise that recent Ukrainian parliament elections are supporting a pro-EU and anti-Russia viewpoint.

Drunken snowplow driver crashes into Russian plane during takeoff, kills CEO of Total

After a commission of air safety inspectors found Russia to be near the bottom of the global league in air safety, a Russian snow plow driver, Vladimir Martynenko, saw fit to illustrate this point and show his patriotism by drinking a large amount of vodka and driving a snow plow into the path of a departing plane. Unfortunately for him, the C.E.O. of Total (a major oil company), Christophe de Margerie, was on board the private jet he rammed into. The plane was taking off and had just left the ground when a wing clipped into the snow plow that had been driven directly into the takeoff path of the plane. This is yet another incident of a major accident caused by alcohol; hundreds of passengers each year die on Russian planes due to drunkenness.

Russian lawmaker wants to ban LGBT-themed Finnish stamps

In June 2013, the Russian Duma (parliament) unanimously approved a nationwide law banning distribution of “propaganda of non-traditional relationships” among minors. The law was then signed by president Vladimir Putin, entirely legitimizing the idea that homosexuality is an abomination. The law basically makes illegal gay pride events, speech in favors of gay rights, or suggesting that gay relationships are in any way equal to heterosexual relationships. The law states that the aforementioned acts are illegal only in the presence of minors, but no one really cares whether there are actually any children present. After the law was passed, hate crimes against LGBT Russians skyrocketed, and numerous alleged LGBT Russians were tortured or killed, even if someone just suggested that the person was gay. The illegality of homosexuality in Russia is somewhat hypocritical, as President Putin frequently takes off his shirt to expose his muscles and gets sweaty doing judo with other men.

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