Riley Pearsall, ’15
After the Russian team’s disappointing performance during the first few days of the Winter Olympics, President Vladimir Putin decided to step in for his country and proceeded to win gold in every remaining event. Despite being 61 years old and responsible for the day-to-day business of governing a country twice the size of the United States, Putin immediately dropped everything and entered every Olympic event, from ski jumping to ice dancing, in order to, in his words, “restore the glory of Mother Russia.”
Putin was unbeatable from the very start, establishing world record times in alpine skiing and speed skating and winning seven gold medals before noon on his first day. Events were often scheduled simultaneously, forcing Putin to immediately rush to the next as soon as he was finished. After winning gold in cross-country skiing, Putin ran over the reporters and bystanders in his path and skied several miles to the curling rink, securing first place for the Russian team in that event as well.
Part of Putin’s edge may come from his refusal to wear a shirt, causing competitors to crash into each other as they stare at his oddly seductive physique. “A Russian man does not fear the cold,” said Putin to a reporter, staring directly into the eyes of competitor Shaun White. “Like bear, he needs no shirt.”
Although Putin has competed in more events than any other Olympian, he also tried to enter several for which he was not eligible. Donning a blonde wig and going by the name “Vlada Putina,” Putin attempted to enter women’s figure skating. His deception was easily spotted, however, as he still refused to wear a shirt while disguised. Putin also considered sawing off one of his legs so that he could compete in the Paralympics, but he reconsidered after realizing that amputation would likely prevent him from dropkicking elk, one of his favorite hobbies.
Some controversy surrounds Putin’s victory in the biathlon, as he seemingly shot frontrunner Ole Bjorndaelen on live television as the two approached the finish line. After reviewing the footage, however, IOC judges have declared the shooting an accident, saying, “Putin is a man of strong character who would never intentionally shoot a fellow Olympian, nor threaten to send our families to a Siberian gulag. Any rumors to the contrary are utter fabrications.”
Putin also proposed and instated several new events for the Sochi Olympics, including the Siberian marathon, a 26.2-mile footrace through thigh-high snow, and the Russian downhill, where competitors must down four shots of vodka before immediately skiing the downhill course. Needless to say, Putin won these events, taking the silver and bronze medals as well because by the end all other competitors were either injured or dead.
Although Putin has led Russia to victory in these Winter Games, America is confident that it can regain supremacy in the 2016 Summer Olympics. “I’m bringing my A-game to Rio,” says Vice President Joe Biden. “Bring it on, Russkie.”