Riley Pearsall, ’15
Nov. 5—After winning the New York City mayoral race with a stunning 74% of the total vote, Mayor-Elect Bill de Blasio was finally able to take a sigh of relief once he heard that Anthony Weiner had not been able to achieve a last-minute victory. “I’m just stunned,” said de Blasio as he embraced his family. “Never once did I dream that I could actually take this race away from Weiner.”
Although Mr. Weiner had withdrawn in late July after a second sexting scandal, Mr. de Blasio had still been worried about the possibility of write-in votes. In the democratic primary, de Blasio received over 250,000 votes—Mr. Weiner, or rather “Carlos Danger,” the name he used anonymously online, received two write-ins votes. Mr. de Blasio, however, did not feel that this was an insurmountable gap. “If citizens were allowed to sext in their votes,” said de Blasio, “things might have gone differently. The man clearly has a large constituency in the “anonymous pervert” demographic.”
“Honestly,” he continued, “I thought I was done for when I made that ‘the NYPD is lazy’ gaff. Weiner might have sent explicit pictures of himself to strangers on the internet, lied about it to the public, and wasted his second chance by failing to modify his behavior in any way, but that’s hardly as bad as accidentally and politely implying that the most hated policing tactic in the city casts aspersions on the NYPD.”
City officials also scrambled to refurbish Gracie Mansion for Mr. de Blasio, as it had already been decorated in the expectation of a late-breaking victory for Mr. Weiner. “It’s a damn shame,” said Michael King, a contractor working on the mayoral home. “We already commissioned an oil painting of his grey underwear-bulge that would hang in the foyer to commemorate his first sexting scandal. That’s tax dollars going to waste.”
“It’s a beautiful portrait, too,” added Mr. King. “Now we’ll have to make a new one of the de Blasio family, and Dante’s hair will take up about ninety percent of that.”
Despite Weiner’s failure to win the mayoral race, speculation is still rampant on the subject of a potential bid in the 2014 gubernatorial election, although he would presumably face tough competition against Jimmy “The Rent is Too Damn High” McMillan and fellow pervert Elliot “Client 9” Spitzer. A 2016 presidential run is also possible, but his chances would be slim against perennial favorite Donald “Oompa Loompa” Trump.
Mr. Weiner did eagerly comment on questions sent to him over email, but sadly his responses were rather graphic in nature and cannot be displayed in this paper.
When asked about concerns over his Republican opponent, Joe Lhota, Mr. de Blasio only stared blankly. “Who?” he asked. “There was a Republican running?”